Third world product reviews: Barf

Listen, I don't think there are unicorns in Mauritania, but being one never to pass information unless 100% positive, and having enough free time to pursue this endeavor, I think it's high time we decide conclusively whether or not they exist. To note, desert crocodiles were only discovered about 100 years ago, and living examples only within the last few decades. Maybe unicorns burrow.

So what I'm proposing here - and this is mainly directed at whoever's in charge of operations at the companies providing hi-res satellite images for defense departments around the world - is that we coordinate said satellites to capture one continuous photo of Mauritania at one, single moment. Pat, Chris, I may need your help on this.

Now, like the passing of inaccurate data, I'm also not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but one sat won't suffice. For an accurate assessment on the existence of unicorns, I think we're going to need, at farthest, a 1:20 shot of all of Mauritania, including Southern Algeria, western parts of Mali, and most of Western Sahara. We cannot count on unicorns as stationary creatures; surely they would have been discovered by now if they were. A patchworked compilation of individual frames can't ensure that the imaginary (or are they?) beasts didn't migrate out of the range of the camera between shots (I know, we're going to have to put up a lot of satellites to cover the world in one take - baby steps). This is assuming, of course, that unicorns don't live off the coast as ocean-dwellers. The fact of the matter is, I just don't know.

While I'm thinking of it, the sats should have thermal imaging so that, in the the event that there are vast underground colonies of unicorns, they won't go unnoticed. I intend to put seismologists on this as well.

Finally, one can't overlook HUMINT. I have not failed to acknowledge the value of a small but persistently transient network of nomads and camel herders migrating throughout the Sahara. These men are hyperaware, desert-crawling machines, and are quite adapted to extended voyages into a harsh climate that a team of Johns Hopkins researchers could never endure. Trained in the latest and most effective unicorn-tracking techniques, our indispensable correspondents could mean the difference between accusations of "Photoshopping" and other falsifying chicanery, and the long-sought acceptance of the scientific community.

At this point, allow me to proffer a guess as to what you're thinking. "So we find unicorns. So what?"

Line up that venture capital money and shove it in your fat, doubting maw, cause this is what: unicorn polo.

Take everything wrong with the current state of polo (outdated, inaccessible, steroids). Now add a foot-long railroad spike to the front of these confused and precariously-steered animals. Suddenly we've got a sport capable of attracting millions, maybe billions. Combine the traditional wit and strategy of polo with the guaranteed impalements of, at the bare minimum, five rich people per game, and at least 96% of the world will tune in. Simple as that. I don't even know why I continue to waste time explaining. This is where you can send money:

c/o John Langdon
Corps de la Paix
BP 222
Nouakchott, Mauritania
West Africa

The point I'm meandering towards is this. Any way you look at is, unicorn polo is going to be a messy game. Between dirt and grass stains and any number of different bodily fluids, those animals are going to leave the field looking like Pollack on a meth bender. And Barf will remove those stains. I've tried four or five different detergents in this dusty, dirty country, and Barf has unquestionably made my whites their whitest. The box highly recommends that you wash your hands thoroughly after using, but I prefer to regard those bubbling sores on my hands as proof that the product is working. Faced with the completely unfounded but entirely plausible possibility that all unicorns are white, the immediacy of a non-bleach, high-powered detergent makes itself abundantly clear.

Additionally, Barf is made in Iran, which makes me optimistic that they'll have few qualms about sponsoring a sport like unicorn polo.